Legendary CBS Sports announcer Verne Lundquist retired from everything — everything, except for this. Except for The Masters. This weekend was why. This weekend, Tiger Woods won his first major championship since 2008. What’s to follow is a collection of the best stories about the biggest sports story of this century. (Don’t even try arguing with me.)

…  SI: At Rae’s Creek, where the tournament flipped, “the sound of bells carried over the little three-hole valley, no doubt from a church somewhere nearby in Augusta — a church whose god might not have been quite so harsh as the one governing No. 12 that afternoon.

…  In being defeated by Tiger, his competitors had the best seats in the house. “Something you can’t pay for,” Tony Finau told USA Today. (Speak for yourself, Tony…) Also read: Golf Magazine has more interviews from further inside the players’ locker room.

…  “More unbelievably, he won his most recent one 14 years ago, in what now feels like another world altogether, before all those reveals of Waffle House liaisons and all the mixing of painkillers with automobiles and all the high-definition grimaces and perennial false hopes that came to define his career almost as much as his early dominance once had.” Tiger’s back in control of his own legacy: The Ringer

…  A ripple effect, as described by the Washington Post’s Barry Svrluga: “The spectators gathered by the massive, hand-operated scoreboard at the 17th green heard the roar (at the 16th) — then waited, their backs turned to the hole, waiting for Woods’ birdie to be posted … (then) exploded as if they’d seen the shot themselves. Wherever you were on the course, you knew what had happened.”

…  NYT: In a period of 14 minutes at the 12th hole, “the famous Woods intimidation factor was rejuvenated. … About 90 minutes later, it had been fully restored.”

…  SI’s cover story, plus the forthcoming cover. (There are no words.)

Seconded

Blame a hot person for stressing you out. It’s science. What happens next depends on which side of the brain is working: the Left appreciates what we see, the Right decides if we want to do anything about it. “The same thing probably happens when you look at a good painting. (The left side) can pump out the dopamine and perhaps make you slightly giddy,” but the right side stays quiet. You don’t make out with the painting. (Close one.)

TGIF

Netflix’s newest interactive, You vs. Wild, puts Bear Grylls’ life in our hands. But when you try to kill him, “A ‘replay episode’ option popped onto the screen.” Does the reality genre lose when it mixes as an interactive experience?Vulture

…  Hard as this reporter tried, Grylls couldn’t be killed. (Someone would’ve reported it by now.)

#MillennialProblems

“(Sephora), along with more than 34,000 other stores from Best Buy to Home Depot, had been using a service called the Retail Equation, which tracks customers’ returning habits via their driver’s licenses.” And Sephora has been banning the bad onesVox

Sports!

Watch Zach Johnson accidentally hit his ball during a practice swing at The Masters.

…  More Tiger: The shot at 16, the commercial Nike swiftly patched together, the gum chewing and the scoreboard at Fenway.

Thinking ahead

Kim Kardashian is studying to become a lawyer. Her sisters told Vogue it makes sense, for one, because Kim’s obsessed with true-crime programming, which just means every single one of us should be lawyers, I guess. But, hey, maybe someday she’ll prosecute Kanye for his sins. (No one explicitly said she would.)

This also happened last weekGame of Thrones went digital with an app that disseminated scripts to its actors, “and when you finished them they would magically disappear.” Meanwhile, in Oregon, the burglar was a Roomba.